Is it different?

Is it different having an adopted child compared to a biological child?

This is a question I anticipated being asked a lot. In truth, no one has actually posed this question to me. Still, I've thought about it quite a bit. Whether or not it is different is not something I ever worried about. I knew I would have no problem loving an adopted child, and I think deep down I knew it wouldn't really be all that different for me.

Two "stories" here:

1. A resident in our department, who is very sweet and nurturing, someone you would anticipate being a great mother, said, when asked by another resident (who does not yet have children) about her newborn daughter "do you just love her so much?" -- "Well, yeah, I guess. You know, I don't really know her. I have to get to know her first."

2. Katherine Heigl, the actress, whom I used to consider silly and generally uninteresting, now is a subject of interest to me since she adopted a baby from Korea. She gave an interview to Redbook recently, in which she said, in response to being asked about bonding with her daughter: "My mother is a realist, and she's had biological and adoptive children, and she said it's no different: No matter what, they're putting a stranger into your arms. You don't know them yet. And she said don't be surprised if it takes a while to connect to her in that motherly way — don't feel bad, and don't think there's something wrong with you or your relationship with this child."

These two "stories" sum up how I feel about my initial moments of motherhood with all of my four children. And I think this is normal. I know there are people who say they instantly fell in love with their newborns, and I guess this could be true. Honestly, I sort of doubt it, but I can't judge other people's feelings. Maybe it lies in your definition of love. My definition of love says you can't love, like really LOVE, someone until you know them.

So I don't really feel differently about Charlie than I did about Ella, Rose or Lucy after knowing them for 4 months. I think differently about each of them, because of course they are 4 different people. Ella came about, and was born, differently than Rose and Lucy. Rose and Lucy, though born at the same time and of the same circumstances, are different people, with different strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes. Charlie is no different. He came about in different circumstances, came to us in different circumstances, than Ella, Rose and Lucy. So when I look at Rose and think about Rose, I think different things than when I think about Ella. Ditto Charlie. Each of my children has a different story. And that is wonderful.

So, no, it's really not that different. Loving all our children is wonderful, and we are very blessed.

Ella's Biltmore Birthday

As I wrote in a previous post, Ella and I took a 2 night getaway to Asheville, NC during her birthday week. We stayed at the Biltmore Inn on the Biltmore Estate. I had been to the Biltmore Mansion a few times before, but had never stayed at the Inn. Ella had been to the mansion once before, but was really excited to go back. She was particularly excited about the prospect of a horseback trail ride...

Ella in our room overlooking the Blue Ridge Mountians on the day we arrived

Ella in front of the Biltmore mansion

Ella and Mama on the veranda of the Inn

We had afternoon tea...

Tea service...

...included some of these goodies...

"dressed" with some of these goodies...

Ella was excited to eat at this restaurant, in a former horse stable...

Speaking of which, she (we) thoroughly enjoyed the trail ride

Ella did such a great job riding. Her horse, Joker, kept stopping or veering off to the side. I would have thought Ella might freak out at this, but she kept her cool, knew just what to do, and easily got Joker to do what he was supposed to. So proud of this kid!

Rose and Lucy, of course, were not super thrilled that Ella got to go on a trip by herself (read:

without them!). When Ella and I dropped them off at school that morning before we left, they both cried. I took Ella on a "road trip" when she was 6, to Minnesota to see my friend Iggy and then down to Chicago to visit my friend Kathleen. The trip was not for her birthday, but I decided that we'd still use the age of 6 as a benchmark. We've decided that Rose and Lucy get to go on their own special trip with Mama for their 6th birthday.

Happy 10th Birthday, Ella Nurshen

Ten years ago today at 10:18am, this wonderful little girl came into the world, a few weeks early and weighing in at 5lb 14oz. Ella and I drove to Asheville, NC this morning to spend a few days at the Biltmore Estate for a birthday getaway. In the car en route to Asheville, I narrated for her the events of the day she was born. We made special note of the time when the clock turned 10:18am, and all day I've been telling her "this is what we were doing at this time 10 yrs ago..."

Ella is a beautiful girl, inside and out. She is sweet, creative, loving. We are so grateful to have her in our lives and love her beyond measure. Happy Birthday, Ella Nurshen!!

Teratogenic Event

I recently wrote a textbook chapter on twins with my mentor, whose expertise is multiple gestation. In doing my research for the chapter, I came across the theory that identical twins are a "teratogenic event." "Teratogenesis" essentially means that something goes wrong during embryonic development. For instance, certain medications that cause birth defects are teratogenic. I had certainly heard and read of this theory before, and truthfully, as an obstetrician I believe there is some truth to it. I really do believe it is not a "normal" event. However, as a mother of identical twins, I just really consider it a miracle, teratogenic or not. Truly amazing that an embryo splits between days 1-12 after conception, and TWO (in theory) IDENTICAL beings come into existence. Crazy, right? The only animals that have identical twins are armadillos, who have identical quads and octuplets. Identical twins have much higher rates of birth defects, premature delivery, in-utero death, infant death -- you name it, identical twins are at higher risk. I personally have multiple additional obstetric risk factors for badness and we had multiple complications during our pregnancy with the twins.

For years after Rose & Lucy were born, premature and growth-restricted but ultimately healthy, I could not look at them without consciously thinking, "Damn, we are so lucky. I can't believe these little girls are here and doing FINE." In fact, I've only recently been able to look at them or think about them WITHOUT thinking consciously how grateful I am that they are here. I don't really want to stop thinking that every time I look at these sweeties. These kids are beautiful, sweet, smart, spunky, funny, adventurous souls. Just plain rockin' kids.

Roro, sweet girl

Lulu

This is what I got after asking Lulu NOT to "pose"

She just can't not pose.

Quintessential Rosie

Love these girlies!

Dunkin'

We have a Saturday tradition in our house. Well, that is, if tradition means that you do it about once a month, sort of whenever you feel like it. We get up early, let Sheref sleep in, and we drive to Dunkin' Donuts for "breakfast." Yeah, yeah, not very healthy. Whatevs. We bring Sheref a coffee, get me a coffee, and get Munchkins for the kids. Munchkins are what we in my day used to call donut holes. We usually get 1/2 chocolate and 1/2 glazed. My skinny Minnie girls can put back a 25 pack of Munchkins in approximately 25 seconds, and I'm only slightly exaggerating.

Since Jinjin has been home, usually I just break off a few little bits and give them to him. Today I decided he was ready...for a...WHOLE MUNCHKIN. Or 2...or 3. Let's just say he kept up with the girls!

"Dude, I can't BELIEVE you never gave me one of these before!!"

"Yeah, chocolate. That's what I'm talking about."

Elle-belle

Lulu ravaging her chocolate donuts

Sweet Rosie

Donut Saturday was a success...

The Biblical Cord

There are a lot of really funny things about being a doctor. No, seriously, there are. One of the funniest is the way some patients mispronounce or misinterpret medical terms. I'm really not trying to be disrespectful or make fun, but come on, sometimes it's just plain funny. We have one patient, who, when her asthma acts up, calls to request an "al-booty-trol" refill (albuterol). Patients tell us about the "fireballs in my Eucharist" (fibroids in my uterus). There are more examples, but I'll stop.

The one mispronunciation/misinterpretation, though, that I actually prefer to the correct term is "Biblical cord." What a great term to describe something (pregnancy) that really is a miracle.

A normal "Biblical cord" has 3 blood vessels in it. There are 2 arteries, which are very small and thick-walled, and one vein, which is larger and has thinner, more flexible walls. All the vessels are enclosed, protected, in thick white tissue which is called Wharton's jelly. A perfect umbilical cord is thick and uniformly spirally coiled. Every time I see a normal umbilical cord, I think how perfect and beautiful it is. It is also, as are most things in nature, perfectly designed to do its job. The vein takes oxygenated, nutrient-filled blood from the placenta to the baby. The arteries take the deoxygenated, "used-up" blood back from the baby to the placenta, where it circulates through the placenta, is oxygenated, and then flows back to the baby through the vein. At birth, after the umbilical cord is clamped and cut, these vessels close up fairly quickly. Neonatologists often utilize the vessels, particularly the larger umbilical vein, to place IVs to give sick or preterm babies fluids and medications, but the IVs have to be placed fairly quickly after birth, before the vessels close.

I had really never thought about the fact that the closing of these vessels must leave a small scar. My girls all have "innies," as do I, so I don't know that I'd ever paid attention to the inside of a belly button. Mr Jinjin, however, has an "outie," and I noticed the other day that he has 3 small marks in the inner aspect of his belly button. These must be the scars from the closing of his umbilical vessels soon after his birth.

This was sort of a revelation to me. Despite all my years of medical training, it had never once occurred to me that the closing of these vessels leaves a scar, and I just love this fact. Three marks that prove you were born, that are visible proof that you were once connected to another person. And especially for Charlie, who has no conscious memory of his birth mother and whose parents don't really have any specific knowledge of her to share with him, I sort of find poignancy in knowing he bears these marks of his connection to her.

(I'm also laughing now, imagining that everyone (like all 4 of you) who read this post will now go look at every belly button in your household to see if you can see these scars...)

13 Things about Jinjin at 13 Months

Yes, I did just post "12 Things...at 12 Months" in the quite recent past. However, I posted that on his last day of being 12 months old. Since he is now well into month 13, I say this post is fair game!!

1. He is starting to sleep more reliably in his crib. Not that I mind co-sleeping (I secretly actually kinda like cuddling with him all night), but we get far higher quality sleep with Charlie in HIS OWN BED.

2. He still drools like crazy. See the drool waterfall in the picture above?

3. He has just this week turned a corner as far as his attachment to me goes. I've heard lots of adoptive parents say that their new child preferred one parent over the other at first, to the point of not wanting to be anywhere near the other parent. Charlie was never like that. He has always come to me, never cried or anything like that, but he definitely preferred Sheref. Which is very expected and logical if you know our family dynamic (umm, Sheref = nicer than me:) and the fact that Sheref went to Korea to pick him up, so it has never really bothered me or hurt my feelings. That said, it has been delightful the past week or so that he actively wants me, lights up when he sees me, tries to get my attention, etc.

4. Akin to #3 above, I feel like his sense of humor is really coming out more the past week or so as well. You can tell he is trying to do things to make us laugh, which is both endearing and hysterical.

5. He loves blueberries.

6. He hates raw mushrooms. Yeah, I know, so does every single child in the world. For some reason, Sheref thought Jinjin might be different, so he gave him some last night.

7. He has a cute gap between his front 2 teeth.

8. He has rockin' hair. My plan is to grow it into a spiky sort of modified mohawk (a very toned down mohawk...but spiky on top). This might be a bad plan. We'll see.

9. It's hard for me to imagine when he wasn't part of our family.

10. He still hates all liquids besides milk.

11. Jinjin loves his nightly bath and lotion/baby massage routine.

12. His transition to "school" has been very very smooth. He goes every day from 8-1pm or so while Sheref is at work. He is the only child in the room who doesn't walk (the kids are 12-24 months), but he is already a school superstar! His teacher texts Sheref daily with little updates, which is really sweet of her. They tell us he actually did a little disco dance that made all the kids laugh yesterday when they put music on. I can picture exactly what they mean (if it indeed happened) and he learned it from LUCY.

13. He made us his first "artwork" at school this week -- they let the kids dip grapes in paint and put it on colored construction paper, something I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS let a classroom full of 1-2 year olds do, so kudos to them for their bravery and high tolerance of messiness. Charlie's little paint circles are PERFECT. They tell us he made it. Yeah, whatever. Still, it is going in his scrapbook. That is, when I get around to actually making said scrapbook.